Bear with each other and forgive one
another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the
Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
Applying forgiveness to adultery is even harder to stomach. The sin involved produces such betrayal that the resulting bitterness seems never to soften. Not for a long time anyway. As followers of Christ, we all know that at some point forgiveness will be required...even in this heavy of a circumstance but what so many question is if forgiveness automatically equals reconciliation? You would think someone coming from my situation would answer that question with a yes and honestly in my early naivety I might have believed that to be true, but there are so many details that the Lord is in charge of that determine reconciliation. When there is a spouse who is unrepentent, forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. When there is a spouse who refuses to take steps toward the Lord and away from their sin, forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. When there is a spouse who is choosing to sit firmly in their fleshly desires, forgiveness certainly does not mean reconciliation. But don't hear me wrong, reconciliation may not be required, but forgiveness still is. Forgiveness can just simply be your hearts way of giving the hurt to God and leaving it there.
We sometimes believe that by forgiving, we are somehow letting them off the hook. We want to hang on to it because we want to still be in charge of punishing them with our spite. However, both of these human responses say that we are in charge...we are the only one to be trusted to be the great judge. But I have news for you, being a judge is hard. You may not realize it because you are so dead set on holding that title, but it is a burden: one you were never meant to carry. When you can lay down your pride once again to trust the real great judge, your freedom will be tangible. He is perfectly just and perfectly capable of vengeance, punishment, conviction...all the things you are so determined to control. Every time you decide you have to hold on to these things, you are ultimately telling your Savior that He is not able or wise enough to handle your junk. This is above your paygrade, friend. Let the expert have it.
No matter how you've been wronged, it is also vitally important for you to realize that you are not free from sin yourself. Depending on what side of the road you are on, you may not have ever betrayed your spouse, but you have certainly betrayed your Savior. And honestly, this is the saddest part of the story. The worst part of your story isn't that your spouse sinned against you; it's that they sinned against their Savior. You may be collateral damage, but the greatest grievance is towards Jesus. You are no stranger to this. His blood on the cross was for your sins as much as anyone else's. In the face of being sinned against, don't let forgiveness be far away because you have forgotten that you are a sinner in need of forgiveness as well.
Now for the hardest, most salty piece of this kind of forgiveness. This forgiveness I speak of isn't only for your unfaithful spouse but also for their affair partner. This person, in your eyes, is enemy number 1, I know. They're painted with all the shadows of evil and betrayal in your mind...but these are the same shadows you, yourself have been painted with before your God so again, don't lose sight of your own need for forgiveness. This will take time, but it is not off the table. Also, this doesn't mean that you have to physically express to them that you forgive them. This may be a stranger that you never cross paths with and forgiveness in your heart is really the most important dynamic. However, I can't speak for the Lord for you. If it happens to be someone you know and the Lord clearly calls you to offer forgiveness audibly, then by all means...walk in obedience.
If you are or have been the affair partner: repent. Lay your sin before Jesus because He is your Savior too. Make no excuses for your behavior. Own the sin and then walk fast and hard away from it. He is more fulfilling than any fleshly desire and never runs out of compassion. On The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey, I recently heard Whitney Capps say, "His grace covers repentance...not regret and certainly not rebellion...but repentance." His forgiveness is a sweet nudge "to go and sin no more."
What if the Lord has called you to reconciliation within your forgiveness? Stay tuned...
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