Well, man, I guess I better start from the beginning. In this kind of a blog, I can't really get away with "Hey y'all! I'm just a southern girl raising kids!" Although there are times when I wish that was my story, it just isn't.
I was raised in a very religious home. I attended church and every church camp I could pack my suitcase for. I, also, wish I could say that although I attended all these events, I didn't know the Lord, but that wouldn't be true either. I knew the Lord well. I knew Him, but I chose the world. It seemed the world could offer me so much more than His boring religion ever could. I spent most of my teens and 20's living life with whatever felt fun for me and then feeling remorseful after...repeat.
I met my husband during this time of my life. We were a match made in not quite heaven. He loved worldly women and I could deliver. He, a professional athlete, and me, a professional cheerleader, flaunting my body as often as possible, had everything our culture praised as successful.
Not long after our wedding, I became pregnant with my first baby and he quit his professional sports career. There's something about growing a baby that sobers the wild heart. I was ready to seek out some of that religion I had been raised with...my husband, however, was not so sobered and not so willing to redirect his recreational life. Thus, the wedge began. His life became a secret and I became a bitter detective.
After months of absolutely miserable marriage, one night all his secrets were revealed when a police officer showed up at my door to deliver the news that he had been arrested. You see, for months, I had been going to bed alone with him up on his computer for hours engaging in one after another adulterous affair...one of them ended up being a cop posing as a minor looking for a good time. Every single bit of the picture perfect life the world thought I had, vanished into thin air.
I immediately divorced him. In the midst of all the trauma, the Lord planted me on the footsteps of a local church. The grief's pastor and his wife swooped me up and literally poured into me weekly. You would think this was where I would have solidified my walk back to my savior, but I unfortunately was too stubborn/foolish for such an obvious decision. I ended up going back to my former professional cheerleading squad to throw myself back in the world...and yes, this time as a single mom of a 1 year old.
I found myself in that same cycle I mentioned before: chasing culture - regret - repeat. In the meantime, my ex-husband moved back home and jumped hard into church and a recovery program. While I was out gallivanting, the Lord was piecing his warped broken heart into what He had always intended him to be. I didn't care what he was doing.
Luckily for me, that pastor and his wife didn't give up on me. After every crazy weekend, they
wiped my tears and pointed me back to Christ. Eventually, my final season as a cheerleader was coming to an end and I could feel the Lord pressing on my heart asking me if all the world had to offer me had fulfilled me this time. It hadn't. I was finally willing to give all of my life to Him, but even in this vulnerable moment, I asked Him to not let this mean reconciliation with my ex-husband who hadn't stopped pursuing the Lord or our marriage for the year we had been divorced.
I knew as soon as I had requested it, the answer was exactly that. Reconciliation was His plan and I was terrified. We weren't even sure what his consequences would be still and EVERYONE around me thought this was the craziest decision I could ever make. The Lord, however, kept making it more and more clear that this was the path. His path isn't usually the easy one. I really wanted to make a t-shirt for every day of the week that said: "Some Call me Crazy; God Calls me Obedient." It was HARD.
After another year of counseling and this time pursuing Jesus and not any kind of religion, we got remarried. It wasn't a perfect year. I was like "the waves of the ocean" but my God, He was steady as a rock and so very clear.
My husband somehow got out of all his consequences and we got to live as though it never happened?? NOT even close. He absolutely had to face consequences; even having to wear the scarlet letter of a registered sex offender for a season. I have walked all those same consequences out beside him...not always well mind you...but beside him nonetheless. There have been difficult days, scary days, anxiety filled days, but never days without my redeemer. We have lived a life with shackles but somehow our Jesus has made beauty in our life even with the bondage. Somehow the shackles haven't felt as heavy...not because they aren't present, but because He bears the weight of them with/for us.
So what does my life look like today - over ten years later? I chase hard after my savior. My husband and I both volunteer our time as Biblical counselors specifically pouring into marriages. I filter my decisions and worries through the lens of the Bible...sometimes I do awesome...sometimes I do absolutely terrible. We depend on Him for our marriage, for our finances, for our parenting. We work incredibly hard to live in the light, always finding ourselves wondering if new people crossing our path with be able to handle our story. Usually obedience requires we share our ugly which has opened the door so many times for a couple who later finds their marriage on fire to run to us for help. This makes the humbling telling of our story so worth the risk...we know exactly who to point them to.
Interested in my husband's side of the story? You can find it over at his ministry Redemptive Sports.
Want to hear us tell this story? Here is the latest interview we did with our pastor for a sermon series entitled "The Vow".
