This gets tricky because there will be highs and lows to your own willingness to be obedient to this reconciliation call. At first, you will likely be all in...ready to take on the cause and restore your marriage...working hard to hold steady in front of your eyes that this is for Jesus and not for your spouse. Then, reality sets in. This is not as easy as you had thought. Your spouse may be back in your home, maybe even back in your bedroom, and you are now forced to grapple with constant reminders of their betrayal. Everything is a trigger - from seeing them on their phone to watching them get in the shower. I won't even go to the wounds that will be exposed as you work to restore intimacy. If there was ever a tangible picture of the enemy at work, here it is. No one said this wouldn't be a battlefield. God didn't leave you alone in battle though. He actually handed you armor. This is where you have to really dive deep into your relationship with your savior. Get in his word and cry out to him when you are having a terrible time taking a thought captive. Tell your God about it...honestly...how it is making you feel, how you can't fathom surviving this way. Find accountability either with a Jesus loving friend or a Biblical counselor who can help you shift your perspective when the enemy has convinced you that your emotions should reign as king.
It can also get incredibly tricky to separate our culture's expectations from the Lord's. This is how this usually play out:
Ok, Lord. I do feel that you have called me to reconciliation. I can see that my spouse is truly repentant, has turned from their sin, and is chasing hard after you. However, if I am going to take them back, they better be absolutely flawless. There is zero room for error. I have the upper hand, and they better cross every t and dot every i perfectly. They have a lot of making up to do...for the rest of their life they will be indebted to me. I am now queen, and they are lucky I am even considering reconciliation.
Can you hear our culture's advice leaked in here. The world tells us that we take care of ourselves. If I have been wronged, they better make it right. It's all about me. We don't take crap from nobody: not a waitress, the grocer checkout, the guy in the car in front of me, and especially not a cheat of a spouse! This is likely the advice you would get from friends and even family especially if they aren't genuine Jesus chasers, but even if they are because the world's way is loud and even seems to make sense especially to our emotions. Christ followers are not immune to falling into this trap, but just because something is loud and satisfies our pride, doesn't make it right.
Reconciliation can only occur if BOTH parties are chasing hard after Jesus and trying to look more like him. This includes the spouse that would be viewed as the faithful one. You are not immune to growing in Jesus because you weren't the "big sinner" in this story. God is certainly there as a place for you to grieve and find comfort, but he isn't a fast food stop to fill you up until you are hurting again. He wants you to know him in such a way that you desire earnestly to honor him with your whole life...including surrendering your spouse's recovery and your ability to control what this looks like in your home. You have to put in the work as much as they do!
Now, what if they are totally failing? What if they are being shady again? What if you see zero fruit of the Lord in their life? This is why we don't just white knuckle reconciliation and try to do it on our own. Biblical counseling and accountability has to be a regular part of both of your lives. They need someone speaking into them in regards to their recovery and pointing them towards looking more and more like Jesus in every situation. You need the same. If they are falling back into old sin, this is where this counseling comes into play to help assess if they ever truly were repentant, or if they just wanted to smooth things over and have their normal back. Reconciliation may not be the answer in your story, but let that come from the Lord's exposure and not your self-queen, controlling expectations. This simply exposes your own lack of faith because you believe you are the only one who can make them walk the straight and narrow.
Furthermore, their behavior towards you should be a reflection of the ways the Lord is healing and changing their heart...not modified behavior to try and please you so you will let them stay. The heart behind their change has to be because they are so grieved at how they dishonored their savior and they want to honor him by loving their spouse well. Any other reason for them to change (especially the one where you put yourself on a pedestal always watching for a slip) will not work and is only incredibly temporary. As a matter of fact, I would go as far as to say that it will breed bitterness, and you will very likely end right back in a similar situation where you started.
Reconciliation is not easy. But, if it is from the Lord, and both spouses are chasing hard after Jesus, the restoration is more beautiful than the original rubble you tried to create on your own.
