I recently took a vacation...yes, in the middle of all this Covid mess, I left the safety of my bubble for land beyond. It required me to fly which if you know me well, then you know that I HATE to fly. My fear of catching Coronavirus is nothing compared to my fear of being thousands of feet in the air. It is torture.
I've come to realize that my fear of heights isn't the guiding factor behind this torture, it is my lack of control. When I am high in the air, there is not one thing I can do to protect that plane from crashing. My hands are not in anyway close to the piloting equipment nor are they qualified to be. I have no way of preventing an engine failure, fire, or flock of birds from damaging the aircraft. Each minute seems like an eternity...I am hypersensitive to every sound and movement around me...until finally the landing equipment hits the ground and I can breath again. On the ground, I feel like I am back in control. My feet steady below me, much less likely to stumble into a fiery ball of flames.
This time while in my panic state in the air, the Lord reminded me that my tangible view of how little control I have while soaring through the air is actually completely accurate. I may be more aware of it in those circumstances, but the truth is that I really am never in control. My human brain wants to believe that if I take certain steps I can control my destiny, but there is only one "pilot" controlling the "plane". Now He lets me make choices and take steps and I certainly have created detours for myself plus I'm flying around in a broken world, but my ultimate destination is His design.
I would love to tell you that this realization calmed all my nerves and I enjoyed the rest of the flight in complete peace, but that wouldn't be true. I had to lay down the fear over and over again...minute by minute...reminding myself of my Savior's character, promises, and truths. And, isn't that the life we should live as Jesus lovers anyway? Maybe without that hint of fear, I would believe myself to be really good at controlling my situation and never lean into His mighty arms. Maybe my peace only comes from this constant surrender...whether I am high in the air, or low in a marriage or trapped in the anxiety of keeping everyone safe around me. Maybe deliverance doesn't mean complete comfort as many of us Americans idolize...maybe deliverance comes only in the form of dependence on the God who is the only one qualified to chart our course anyway.
