Our Ugly, His Glory

Click the image for the full interview.

Everytime we tell our story, I am reminded of how it really isn't ours.  It's His.  He chiseled us and refined us through some really hot elements...we needed it.  He did things like reveal our true identity when we had found it only in worldly things, and He taught us what real surrender looks like.  Telling our story is never easy...it's like telling your most shameful secret to a room full of strangers over and over again.  There is no prediction for how that room will respond, yet the step of faith is obedience...and that's really all He requires.  The step comes with no promises, no instant revival, but I do believe He honors the faithfulness no matter how reluctant.  So here's to one more step...Thank you, Venture Church, for wanting to share our ugly for God's glory.

Transformed?

Today, I ran across a quote on social media that said,

"Many millennials resent church bc their parents were good at church but not good at life.  They struggle attending a place that consumed their parents time but never transformed their private life."
--@imericacampbell

Man, in telling my own story, I have struggled with really putting into words how I could know and love Jesus but still actively pursue the world.  I really did know and love Jesus.  If I had died, I believe I would have gone to heaven, but had I really fully surrendered my whole life to God?  No, absolutely not.  Can we be saved and still hold on to little corners of our life?  For sure.  I would venture to say that this is reality for most Christians.  I didn't fully surrender, fully trust the Lord was worth more than any "fun" the world could offer until years after saying I believed in Him.

Now, you may not find yourself running hard after out-loud sin.  But, have you fully surrendered your life to Him?  Do you believe in Jesus, but when push comes to shove, you trust you to take care of you?  Do you believe in Jesus but when worldly fun comes knocking, you are totally fine with compromise?  Do you believe in Jesus but if you need to sell your integrity to come out on the up side occasionally, you will?  Do you believe in Jesus but when someone crosses you, self control is far from near?

When you fully surrender, you aren't going to hit it out of the park every time, but you are sure going to try.  It will transform your private life because you want every decision you make to honor Him and you will trust Him to take care of you if you tell the truth or take the difficult road out of obedience or be more fulfilling than the compromise.

I do not want my inconsistent moralism to be the thing that leaves a bad taste in my kid's mouth about their perfect Savior.  Now, their walk will be their walk regardless of my flaws...and flaws there will be, but I want them to see the incredible, grace-filled, counter-culture, always faithful Lord just as He is - worthy to be trusted...worthy to be fully surrendered to...and truly transformative.

Buffalo Wild Wreck

This past week while bringing in our load of groceries, my daughter's bag had a hole in it.  Unfortunately for her (but mostly me), the bag was holding the largest size of bright burnt orange buffalo hot sauce I could find in the store.  It shattered onto the floor, swallowing up the tile into a puddle of fiery orange liquid and fragments of glass.  This happened right at the entry way into our home from the garage where five other little feet were about to trod.  As my daughter quickly informed me, "Mom, we have a problem!" My eyes skipped focus to her feet where the problem existed. 

This surely was a lesson in patience as I had just ventured to multiple stores with all of my babes and was running on the tiniest fumes one could imagine.  But, this isn't a conversation about patience.  Although I will say that after a growl, a scream in my brain, a possible child-like stomp of my foot, I calmly starting directing traffic and the clean up process began.  My oldest daughter is one of the most responsible middle schoolers I know, but she literally looked at me dumbfounded.  The overwhelming scenario in front of her left her oblivious at where to begin.  Honestly, it had me a little overwhelmed at where to begin with it being bright orange and a mass quantity, but I told her to just go one step at a time.  I was certain we could quickly get it soaked up with paper towels and the whole thing could be forgotten.  She started wiping down the walls and molding where it had splattered and I finished bringing in groceries.  When we got ready to tackle the puddle, we just started throwing paper towels by the handfuls on it to soak as much up as we could.  I would scoop a handful of the now orange paper towels into my hands and throw it into the bag she was holding for me.  But geez, every time I would get one load over to her, it seemed like a river of hot sauce was still flowing.  The paper towels would drip brightly no matter how quickly I made the transition and this job I hoped to be a quick fix ended up taking much longer than anticipated.  Nonetheless, one dedicated step at a time, a whole roll of paper towels, and a steam mop finished the job.  Our tile was back and although the grout may tell a different story, the mess was clean. 

During this process, I couldn't help but think of many of my sister friends who have found themselves standing dumbfounded before an absolute wreck....a wreck of a marriage, of a husband, of their life they were so certain they were protecting.  There is nothing like that moment when the mess seems so big that you don't even know where to begin.  Some start with assurance that with a few paper towels, they can get this wiped right up.  Some try to pull a rug over to just cover it up and go back to their semblance of terrible normal.  Some turn right back around and leave that mess right where it is often time escaping to somewhere new that they will begin on their next mess. 

And by God's grace, any one of these sisters finds out somewhere along the way that they don't have to clean this mess up by themselves.  That right there, is step one.  Now the real cleaning can begin.  It isn't going to be swift or easy.  It is going to be messy and sometimes it's going to seem like a bigger mess is being made in the process.  But, as His daughter, we submit to the greatest cleaner of them all.  We obey when He tells us to sweep here or wipe here.  We obey when He tells us to keep going when it seems hopeless.  We obey.  Somehow, someway, we end up on the other side of the mess.  It may not look like what we thought...or maybe it does...but the biggest thing we learn is that we can take credit for none of it.

Laughing All the Way

"It's hard to spend energy on fear armed with His goodness and truth"

-Sarah Kay Ndjerareou

You know that your friend has writing in her veins when you quote words from a recent group text message she sent!  Good company I keep I can assure you.  Sarah is no stranger to heartache as you could find in her published memoir entitled Pieces of Glass: A Moment of Tragedy, A Lifetime of Faith.  Even the more reason to find her words so wise.  When you find someone who has walked super ugly life and can undeniably find their Savior's goodness and truth, you should listen.  

My favorite part of Proverbs 31 is verse 25 that says:

...she laughs at the time to come.

Do you find yourself laughing at the future to come or do you think of it slightly with fear and worry?  Throughout my life, I have definitely bent towards the latter.  I mean we are promised suffering and no one looks forward to that.  However, after years of watching the Lord's goodness and faithfulness come through even in the suffering, suddenly the fear begins to lose its grip.  The Proverbs 31 woman gets it.  She can laugh at what's to come because she knows she will step into it with Jesus.  My friend, Sarah, gets it.  She doesn't spend energy on fear because she steps with the reminders of all His goodness and truth from His flawless track record.

May we all be a little more Proverbs 31:25...May we all be a little more Sarah Ndjerareou...May we all be a little more like Jesus.

Happy Big Birthday, Sarah.  Thanks for gifting me the perfect spirit-led words on your birthday.

Relationship Status

Through my various Biblical counseling experiences, one of the places I find as common among my sisters is the "Jesus Relationship Struggle" as I like to call it.  We find ourselves going to church, Bible studies, community groups, heck even faithfully reading the Bible, yet we can't find that bond...that connection with the Jesus we think we are hotly pursuing.  It is almost shocking how common this is.

I once heard a sermon where the preacher talked about how social media these days makes us feel like we can know anyone.  We can pretty much follow any celebrity of our choice on Instagram or Facebook.  We can know what they do everyday, when they delivered a baby, and even what they ate for dinner.  We can read all about them.  But in the end, we don't actually know them.  We aren't really in a deep relationship with them.  We just know a lot about their personal life.

If we aren't careful, this is exactly what our relationship with our Savior can look like.  The difference is, unlike those celebrities who have no desire to know us, this Lord of ours actually really wants a relationship with us.  He doesn't want us to spend all of our time just reading about Him...He wants us to truly KNOW Him.  Now don't hear me wrong, it is still good to learn and read all about Him, but that's not all there is to this relationship.  My mom can read all about my life on my blogs and see all the pictures of everything I've been up to, but she wants to talk to me.  Following me on social media wouldn't be enough.  And the same is true for our Heavenly Father.

Now the question is, how do we grow a relationship with our God who we can only interact with on a spiritual level.  I can't pick up my actual phone and give him a call or schedule a coffee date.  True...not in the physical sense, but there are so many ways the Lord makes himself known to us.  Some of us can feel close to the Lord just in reading His word, but for others it might be a time of praying out loud after reading that scripture or pouring out our heart through worship.  For me, I am a journaler.  I put pen to paper and lay all my praise and worry and anger and fear and shame all out before Him...and I leave that journal feeling like I just had a heart to heart with my God.  And vulnerability fosters relationship, so don't hold back...He already knows your real heart anyway.

What is it for you?  What in addition to your Bible reading draws you closer to Him relationally?  I totally understand the empty space that many "Christian" ladies can't seem to fill because they are doing all the outward steps, but the inward relationship is lacking.  How frustrating it is to think you are doing all the right things and still feel like you aren't getting it.  Oh ladies, go find Jesus.  Try out a few different prayer methods and open the lines of communication to the One whose conversation matters the most.

Oily Grace

Recently, while in the process of curling my ever-straight hair, I burned my thumb...worse than the normal graze of the iron.  I was actually mindlessly thinking during this task as one does, but I began to spiral down into some thoughts that were not going to do anybody any favors.  After flirting with these seemingly meaningless thoughts for a few minutes, my thumb lay directly on the 400 degree metal for much longer than I thought my brain should have allowed.  Amidst the singe, my first thought was, "If you play with fire, you will get burned!"  This was in direct connection with the fact that I was allowing myself to spiral into unhealthy thoughts.  And listen, I don't know if the Lord allowed me to burn my finger to prove a point, but I was snapped back in my place real quick.

Another thought that went through my mind at this exact same time, was a story a friend had posted on Insta earlier in the day.  She had burned her tongue and was talking about using lavender oil to help heal it.  I'm not insanely oily, but I will gladly give anything a shot especially if it smells good.  Because I am not super oily, I don't usually pay close attention to these kind of stories, but for some reason this morning, I tucked this tip into my brain.  I don't have many oils on stock, but lavender happens to be one that I do have.  I put some on a band-aid and nursed my thumb.  Long story short, it actually really did help!  I was pleased to have my thumb back in quick working order when I thought a blister was surely in my future.

Surely this story isn't a plug for lavender oil?...it isn't.  This story is about the character of my good Savior.  You see, I had allowed myself to go down into thoughts that could take me to a sinful place.  Being the omniscient God that He is, He already knew how this story was going to play out.  He knew I would sin.  And even in knowing that I would sin and would reap a consequence I surely deserved; He planted a cure He knew I would need much earlier that morning.  That's the kind of dad He is.  Already knowing the depravity of our heart, the betrayal in our veins, the full blown sinner of our being; He plans a remedy, a cure, a healing ointment.  He could have let me feel all the sting of the burn I inflicted upon myself, but instead, I got a tangible visual of grace...His grace.  Soak that in, sisters...He's a really good Abba.

The Wedge

The wedge...something inserted to draw things apart.  Every relationship, at some point, started with two people on the same team.  They may have been rooting and fighting for all the wrong things, but on the same team nonetheless.  Then, suddenly, something changes.  A wedge of some sort creeps in.  It could be early on in the relationship or years later, but inevitably at some point, a separation stirs.

It usually stems from some sort of pride which then leads to disagreement about life, parenting, money...you name it.  Whatever it is, two different teams emerge amongst the dissension and they find it hard to coexist.  Lately, I've been reminded of a common wedge that is hard to navigate.  This wedge begins when one member of the relationship has an encounter with Jesus.  Maybe they've always known Him, but have spent years ignoring or pushing Him to the side.  After patiently waiting, the Lord has resurfaced pouring His grace and redeeming way of life out over this prodigal child.  Or, maybe they just met Him for the first time.  Either way, this individual is ready to surrender to this Savior.

Unfortunately, the other member of this relationship, isn't sold out.  They don't know their spouse as a follower of Christ forsaking the former way.  They are totally fine soaking up their sin-filled life, and as a matter of fact, it is increasingly annoying for this former teammate to be making them feel guilty about life they used to partake in together.  At this point pride and resentment creep in, and even if this new life could have some pro's, they aren't even going to pretend to give it a chance simply to prove their point.

This type of wedge can happen to anyone, but it is extremely common among my sisters, who not unlike me, went missionary dating or knowingly married someone based solely on physical attraction.  Always thinking we would be worth changing for or that we could "share our faith" with them.  After the new honeymoon phase and maybe a couple of little ones added to the space, it just isn't what we thought it would be.  The factor that can make this even more confusing is that they may not be that bad of a guy.  Just because they aren't a Christian doesn't automatically mean that they are abusive or unfaithful...but on different teams nonetheless.

Many of us rediscover Christ in this moment when the human we put in His intended place falls far from the pedestal we had hoped he could rule well.  And then, we have expectations for our surrendering.  We chose to change our life for Christ, so we hope that means He will make everything easy.  We certainly aren't expecting to be persecuted in our own home.  But, we are forgetting the sin that we openly invited in...that we entangled ourselves with so deeply.  The Lord is completely able to make this new, but when you dig a hole so massive, it takes time for repair and rescue to come so completely.  And, your Savior will not except anything less.

So, what is your play?  Obviously the Lord wants your heart with or without your husband's, but what if having a relationship with Jesus damages your relationship with your spouse?  Throw in the towel on God to have some peaceable years here on earth?  Ummm, no.  Remember, you will stand before your Savior one day...only you and your sins...not with your parents, or your kids, or your spouse.  Getting right with Jesus is your responsibility and your joy.  Now, as you walk with Him, you will find His guidance in the Word and convictions in your heart along the way.  The Bible is not silent on being married to someone who doesn't surrender to Christ.  It is clear in 1 Peter 3:1-2:

...so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

It is so very tempting to hold a mirror in front of their life and every decision to show them how wrong they are, but it will do you absolutely no good.  They have no ears to hear this from you.  Show them who Christ is by imitating his shameless love even when...no scratch that...especially when you are disappointed in them.  Let the Lord stand firmly as your spiritual leader when you are sad that your spouse refuses and keep begging and believing for the Lord to perform the miracle of saving them.  Don't be scared of it being ugly or drastic...your foreman is really good at what He does.